1988-1992 - Darcie's head –– big as it is –– fails to store memories.
1993 - Darcie mysteriously Van Goghs herself by slicing off her earlobe on an outdoor waterslide.
1994 - Darcie claims to have driven an entire school bus full of children to safety. Despite the fact that this never happened, it's one of Darcie's most vivid memories.
1995 - Darcie decides she hates Catholic school and spends most of first grade hiding in the janitor’s closet watching Fern Gully on VHS.
1996 - Darcie's desk mate shakes the container too hard and kills their mealworm. Its death goes unnoticed by teachers, so each week, instead of cocoons and beetles, they draw the various stages of decomposition. Darcie's first parent-teacher conference is held.
1997 - Darcie attends her fourth school in as many years and writes a story about how everyone in Room 2 pees their pants. Her classmates agree this is edgy.
1998 - Darcie dedicates recess to guarding the ant pile and bug-hating Sabra Gambino earns the title "Such a bitch." Darcie wears the detention like a badge of honor.
1999 - Unable to resist the pun, Darcie Barbie-Qs her dolls on Dad's grill. Hamburgers will carry the faint taste of burning plastic for the rest of her life.
2000 - Darcie moons a school picture and watches the dean write "lewd and pornographic behavior" on her permanent record. She is twelve.
2001 - Steven Ireland draws his own box and labels it "Maybe." He checks it, passes the note back to Darcie, and ignores her for the rest of the year.
2002 - Someone points out that Darcie has failed to fill out her dress for the 8th grade dance. She spends the night in the bathroom, crying into her training bra and trying to wipe off her mother's lipstick.
2003 - Darcie eats only watermelon-flavored food and runs half-marathons on Mondays because her body is fourteen and immortal.
2004 - Darcie learns to drive in a white car two years her senior. She decorates it with black spots and names it The Cow. When it dies, she makes jokes about "putting it out to pasture," only to discover that she is genuinely sad.
2005 - Darcie cuts off all her hair, transforming her from average-looking teenager into average-looking teenager with worse hair.
2006 - Darcie spends her high school graduation in the front row, making faces. Her mother spends Darcie's graduation hiding in the stands, regretting her conception.
2007 - Darcie photographs every minute detail of dorm life and develops a deep-seated hate for people who leave their laundry in dryers overnight.
2008 - Darcie becomes the poster child of what not to do in Russia. Her study abroad program awards her "Most Unsuccessful Attempts to Get Somewhere."
2009 - Darcie adopts a fish and names it David. She tells every David she meets that her fish is named after him, and hopes none of the Davids she told that to are reading this.
2010 - On the first day of her internship, Darcie's boss hands her an engagement ring and instructs her to pawn it as quickly as possible. She stuffs it in her sock drawer instead.
2011 - Employment introduces Darcie to the world of open bars. She finds it is a world without phones, keys, wallets, or anything not expressly attached to Darcie.
2012 - Mom dies. It takes awhile for
2013 - this to really
2014 - sink in.
2015 - Worried this would go down in history as "The Year Darcie Grew Out Her Bangs," Darcie buys a house.
2016 - A full year of Googling: White flower dying. White flower pink center dying. Big red bush small leaves dying. Black spots on roses. Cherry tree sick?
2017 - Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz in perfect cursive, on every notebook my brain can hold.
2018 - Darcie puts on her first pair of prescription glasses and is promoted within the hour.
2019 - Darcie emerges from the cocoon of her 20s a thin, bored, perpetually frowning Disney stepmother. She has never felt more herself.